Happy birthday dad!

Dear Dad,

Another year has passed. I can’t quite believe it. I am still out of work but you’ll understand that I don’t really want to talk about it. Beth got married! And by all reasonable accounts it was a great success. While it lacked some of the pomp and circumstance that you may liked it was a highly personal ceremony and I think you’d have appreciated that . Beth is such an individual, I know you’d be proud of how she arranged things.

I performed the ceremony, and I did try to include you in it. I took my cues from various best man speeches I have seen in movies and on TV. There is a nice formula used where you veer between funny and unabashed sincerity, and if you can choke up at least once, it’s a crowd pleaser. This is what I learned. And although I felt extremely emotional that day, and I worried that I would break down and cry several times, I held it together and I think you’d be proud of that.

I wish you could have been at the wedding. We had so much fun. I had so much fun. Beth true to form jumped into the swimming pool in her wedding dress. I don’t think I could have been more proud of her, she is so spirited. I followed suit and as my dress was already wet, I continued to swim in it through out the day. I love to swim. You know that. In a way it was more fun to swim in a dress because it is taboo and I felt like I was getting away with something. You’d be proud.

Chardie was a great credit to you. Taking up much of your role as firefighter, cooling the little flare ups that occurred. He did so much for the wedding and was sweet about it. As did Caryn, my sounding board for much of the lead up.

I came to an interesting conclusion through all of this, about my role as a middle child. Middle children are known as peacekeepers. You knew that. You were a middle child. But suddenly it occurred to me what a peacekeeper is… it’s not always nice, and it’s not always good or right. I’m more of a peacekeeper in the military sense, you know those “peace keeping” missions. You know the ones, the ones that the “peacekeepers” go in with guns and flamethrowers to keep the peace. When it’s over you look around at the innocent civilians that were hurt and you think “Wow, that was bad. I didn’t think that would happen.” But it’s a lie you knew the consequences when you started and you hoped, but weren’t sure, that it was for the greater good. And maybe it was necessary, but you’ll never be sure. That was me. I did that, and I don’t know that I should have. But I think that’s what middle children do sometimes, in the name of peace. I have to keep eye on that kind of behavior but I think you know what I mean. And I think you’ve played that role before.

Which brings me to the next role I’ve played too much lately, of secret keeper. I have taken in secrets that I sigh… I crave, I love being on the inside of anything. And once I’m in, I want to get out. I actually hate holding the secrets. I have a hard time with that. I need to stop looking for secrets.

It’s strange now that wedding is over, I worked so hard on it, now that it’s over there is a great void. An enormous void. A void so large I fear I’m going to get sucked in. I don’t even know what means but I’m standing on the edge of something, and I’m afraid.

Brian and I did well though. We’ve been more sensitive to each other and it’s made a difference. You’d be proud of him, he’s well loved by his friends and family and forever charming.

And Beth of course you’d be proud of. She picked a winner in John, he’s a sweet guy and a rare individual. The two of them make a nice balance.

I’ve been an emotional wreck lately. Leaving Beth at the airport I hugged her tight and told her it was the best wedding ever and just let the sobs rack through us. I wasn’t sure why we were crying or what made it so hard to say goodbye but it was. Even saying goodbye to John I hugged him too tight and told him how happy I was that he married Beth. It was all very unlike me.

I wish you have been there at the wedding. I wish you could ever have tasted my Mai Tais, I made them for the wedding, five gallons of Mai tais that people complained were too strong. Which I think means they were perfect. I told Stephanie, how I learned to make Mai Tais from a stewardess on the way to Hawaii. We had ordered Mai Tais on the plan, now mind you it was 10am, and she told us we could buy Mai Tais or she could show us how to make better Mai Tais and save a dollar. The Mai tai was amazing. She was amazing. And now my Mai Tais are amazing.

I wish I had more to say about me. My year was filled with complicated emotions, water, a trip to Portland. I explored a cave! You would have loved to do that. And dad, I’m skiing, I’m really skiing! I mean I’m still no good at it. But I’m getting over all of that fear and it’s so much fun! I skied in snow and rain, and 10 degree weather and I had fun! And the Ski lodges, Oh dad, I love the lodge… I could spend all day in a ski lodge drinking and looking around and watching the skiers. I wish more than anything, that I could show you skiing.

And I was productive in the last year, more art that ever, and I have to get back to that. My favorite pieces were the circus girls, the illustrations for undone, intricate, and idle. I’d like to think that you can all of it.

It’s the Greek festival this week. I plan on going several times and I’ll think of you when I’m there.

And mom has been a champ this year. I love her and am so proud of her. Look in on her garden if you get the chance, it’s something special. And she handled the wedding and the stresses that lead up to it was much grace and stoicism. Despite my peacekeeping efforts.

I love you. I would tell you more but… I would be here all day.

I wish you could have been at the wedding. I know you’d like John.

They used say I was the one most like you, but they stopped and I can’t help wonder if it’s because I failed to be more like you. Maybe they’ve forgotten what you were like. Maybe I was never so much like you. I’ve been called a rock lately. It’s one of those compliments that gets under my skin. I don’t want to be a rock or the wind beneath somebody’s wings. I can’t imagine anyone does. Sure I try to be a good friend, and be there for people but I am an exciting and dynamic person who shines on her own.

I’ve also vowed that if I ever get married I will only elope. I’ll send postcards from Vegas saying “Guess what? Kate got Married!” Mom can throw a party after.

And my birthday was awesome, I spent it with my pal Linda pretending we were in Mexico, drinking only bottled water, due to a burst pipe that affected all of greater Boston. And we may have had a few drinks that day. Bar hopping and joking about the water situation. It was a good day.

I love you.

And happy birthday dad!

Love,

The Kate

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