Waiting for that moment

Over the years I’ve learned a few things about myself, and although I do learn… there are lessons I feel doomed to repeat each year, especially around Christmas.

I know myself. I know my overly ambitious plans, I know how I work. I come up with ideas about hand crafting mountains of presents, and clever ways to wrap them, and run out of time every year. My plans are always big, pie in sky dreams, beautiful dreams. Generous in nature, ambitious in scale… these dreams warm me though the lengthening nights.

And every year somewhere along the way it happens. Maybe it’s the 20th, the 22nd, or even the 24th …. Somewhere along the way you can find me sitting on the floor at 3am the remnants of my broken dreams strewn about me. That’s when I say “No more.” What ever is done is done. Whatever isn’t won’t be. I can do no more.

What should be a sad moment, a moment of defeat really, a moment of failure sometimes on a spectacular scale… might be one of my favorite moments. It’s the moment I let go.

In that moment I realize somehow everything will be okay. I’ve done enough. This wasn’t my fault. I did my best and really, I did more than I thought I could. My eyes were bigger than my stomach. I can relax. It’s enough.

In the wee hours of the night, so peaceful… so lovely finally I’ll sleep a fitful sleep. The next morning I’ll still try to get more done. But it won’t be as urgent, as frantic. My plans will be more flexible, my schedule less daunting.

So right now, as look at my plate piled a mile high, I think to myself don’t worry, that moment will come. Reality will force itself into my plans but it will be pleasant. .. because it’s the season to be joyful.

70 things I chose to resopnd to...

Got this from Hadley...

[1] What is your middle name?
Elizabeth

[2]What color is your mailbox?
Brass, it’s a mail slot

[3] What color shirt are you wearing?
Off white with orange and purple flowers

[4] Have you ever hit a deer?
Not yet

[5] Do you have to drive over a bridge to get home?
No

[6]Do you get the paper delivered to your house in the morning?
No. I the metro on the train

[7] Who checks the mail in your house?
Me I live alone

[8] Do you have a small driveway?
No my house shares two driveways, both are pretty big.

[9] Do you know anyone with the same ringtone as you?
No… on this phone I programmed my own. So I took some strange snippets of musid.

[10] What do you do first in the morning?
Open my eyes.

[11] What brand is your printer?
Canon. Bad luck with Epsons.

[12] Do you enjoy fighting with people?
Sometimes. I mean, generally no. But I’ve been known to argue with people I have crushes on.

[13]Is your hair naturally straight or curly?
Wavy and frizzy. Not straight, not curly.

[14] Who was your kindergarten teacher(s)?
Eileen Riopell

[16] Are you taller than your mother?
I wish. But she’ll shrink.

[17] Do you have a favorite word?
Summer

[18] Are you God?
Nope

[19] What do you do to get over a broken heart?
Deny that I’m hurt

[20] Do you have a deep, dark secret?
Several.

[22] Do you enjoy writing in colored pens?
Yes they are pretty

[23] Does anything hurt on your body right now?
My eyes…

[24] Do you often cry during a movie?
Yup… I used to not cry but now I’m a mess. Watch the end of It’s a wonderful life with me. Or oddly Cool Running. But that has to do with Stone Fox.

[25] Do you hate your life?
Often

[26] Do you get mad easily?
I can go from 0-60 in a half a second, but then I can have the patience of a saint. It depends.

[27] Do you drink?
Often… heavily.

[28] What is your biggest pet peeve?
People who call you, when you answer “Hello?” you get nothing “Hello???” nothing and then suddenly they say “Hello!” and they sound all annoyed as if you called them.

[29] What is your away message?
Away away away away….

[30] Do any of your friends have kids?
Yes. But not many.

[32] Who should pay on the first date?
Whoever asked the other out. If it was a joint decision, then things should be split.

[33] How many years older than you are you willing to date?
Um 12 years older 5 years younger so I’m 31 that’s 25-43. And I wouldn’t date most 43 year olds but… I keep my options open.

[34] Do you have any friends?
Sure

[35] Do you have any mean friends?
Hell yes. We call her Evil.

[36] What is the ugliest color in your opinion?
Purple

[37] Have you ever liked someone who all your friends couldn't stand?
Yes, and they were right.

[38] Have you ever felt like driving off a cliff?
I’m afraid of heights.

[39] Have you ever been fired from a job?
Have I ever not been fired.

[40] In what year was your first love?
It was 7th grade. He didn’t know I was alive….

[41] Do you have a cell?
My only phone2] What brand are the pant/jeans you're wearing right now?
No Idea

[42] How tall are you?
5’9”

[44] What is the closest green object?
The gum I’m chewing

[45] What is on your feet?
Flip Flops, yes I know it’s October

[46] Do you like watermelon?
Not my favorite, but home grown is quite good..

[48] Do you want to have kids?
Maybe

[49] What is the brightest color you're wearing right now?
Orange

[50] Who is the friend you have that you would never expect?
Um… Linda I guess. I couldn’t anticipate her.

[53] Stupidest movie you ever saw?
Dick Tracy

[54] Do you collect comic books?
Nope

[55] Do you like your dad?
Very much.

[56] Do you have any TV shows on DVD?
Freaks and Geeks, Buffy Season Two, Cowboy Bebop, LOST.

[57] Are you wearing makeup?
Nope

[58] Do you have a tattoo?
Nope.

[59] Have you ever been happily in love?
Nope, unless you count my love of Johnny Depp. I mean it’s alittle one sided but very happy.

[60] If you won the lottery you would _______?
be rich.

[61.] Do you know how to draw?
Yup.

[63] Who is your hero?
Jim Henson, was a big hero of mine, Roald Dahl, Elizabeth Dowd (8th grade English teacher), my folks… Barbara Boxer, Santa Claus, the Country Bunny and Little Golden, Shoes, Dr. Suess, that woman who wrote “Everybody’s free to wear sunscreen”

[64] Who did you last IM?
Beth

[65.] Do you work a lot of hours?
8-5 every day. Then what ever else I do.

[66] What do you do when you are stressed out?
Sleep, snap at people, get sick.

[67] Who was the last person that called you?
My Mom. Her cable box is broken and I walked her through hooking the cable up to the VCR.

[68.] Is there anything you regret?
Mostly being afraid of things.

[69] Do you know where your family name originated from?
It’s Irish “Shea” from O’Shea meaning “from the fairy fort”
My whole name Katherine Elizabeth Shea means “Pure, oath of god, form the fairy fort”

[70] Is there an animal that creeps you out?
Birds. All of them except for penguins, ducks, geese, and other swimming birds.

Five years ago, another staff meeting....

I have a staff meeting today.

Five years ago, in another building only a few blocks from here, I had a staff meeting on this day. Funny thing, it was on the 8th floor too. I had ordered food from Viga. But I won’t order food from Viga today.

Five years ago, a staff meeting got cancelled.

Five years ago Downtown Boston shut down. We weren’t evacuated we just left in a haze of confusion. I remember the gridlock traffic downtown. Nothing moving. Bumper to bumper. I remember the people standing on the street corners looking up at the sky. It felt apocalyptic. I wasn’t alone. I wasn’t alone all day. Phone calls were made, friends were visited and a media blitz of images first seared into my mind then overwhelmed all senses.

Five years ago today, my cousin had a baby, his name is Ryan.

Five years ago today the weather was perfect. The sky was clear and blue the temperature… about 80.

Today is cold. I’m not dressed for the weather.

Five years ago today… September 11th.

Today I thought I’d have Falafel King instead of Viga. This was viewed as insensitive. I just wanted falafel.

Johnny, oh Johnny!

Right Fran… Pirates of the Caribbean II .

You all know I love Johnny, wait scratch that… You all know I adore, love, worship and lust after Johnny Depp. You all know that Captain Jack Sparrow is the stuff my dreams are made of… savvy?

But Part II of this trilogy left me begging the question “But why is the rum gone?”

Sequel syndrome my friends, it suffered from sequel syndrome. It left what wit, charm and plot it had behind and became obsessed with the action. Everything had to be bigger. It left the spectacular for the spectacle. Plot, character development, story, charisma and charm was thrown overboard. Effects, dizzying fight scenes, ridiculously complicated set up lead no where. With all of this it somehow left its swatches unbuckled. Oh and there wasn’t nearly enough rum.

Maybe I hadn’t had nearly enough rum…

It took the romance out of the seas. And it forced a romantic plotline where one needed to be lead, seductively down the path.

And the worst thing is I knew it form the preview alone.

I read a review somewhere that said they’ve taken what might be a decent 3 hour plot and bloated it to be a 5 hour movie split in two. And depending on how the 3rd film goes that might be true. But this was a long 2 ½ hours… and we haven’t seen where the arc ends.

And Johnny is lovely.

Captain Jack Sparrow is lovely.

He has much less to work with but is charming.

Geechie Wiley

Geechie Wiley was a fictional character to me.

Or at least I didn’t know she was real.

I had heard her mentioned in a story. It was about finding a rare Geechie Wiley album. I’m never sure about the line between fact and fiction... and in this case I thought maybe she wasn’t real.

That is until I bought an album from a subway musician named “Erin Harpe” who sang a song based off of Geechie Wiley. A name I couldn’t help but remember. And suddenly fiction came to life and I had the inside track on a story. I could hear a Geechie Wiley song. “Pick Poor Robin Clean”

Wait, let me explain something about that street musician. As far as subway musicians go she is my favorite, she’s the best I’ve ever heard. She sings the blues, but not just the blues, I’m talking old time depression era blues.

Every time I saw her I would search my pockets for cash and try to buy an album and every time I’d come up short. Until finally one day I had $10 and I bought an album. But I bought the wrong one. This one is great, it’s her band and they do a great job. But I wanted that soulful depression era blues that I heard on the subway.

So weeks later I scrounged up my crumpled ones, and $4 in quarters to by her original album. And there it was. “Pick Poor Robin Clean” - Geechie Wiley.

I felt my heart skip.

She’s real.

In that second I fell in love.

I fell in love with the idea of her. And then I heard Erin Harpe sing Pick Poor Robin Clean, and I knew what I had to do. The internet is a wonderful thing. I tracked down the faded, crackling Geechie Wiley and had a listen.

They are both brilliant.

I’m still in love with Erin Harpe, the greatest street musician I’ve had the privilege to listen to. And I’m still in love with Geechie Wiley who remains a mystery; she leaves a spotty trail of recording, but is real. Now I have the privilege of beginning to understand just how rare that album in the story was.

An Inconvenient Truth

So I have a favor to ask everyone I know. And it may sound left wing liberal crazy. And to some of you that was a ringing endorsement of my favor. And to others it was quite the opposite. But I promise either way this is worth your while.

Go see Al Gore’s new documentary An Inconvenient Truth.

It’s science, and though I’d heard it all before… it was devastating. And hopeful. Seeing it all together the graphs, the charts, the photos, the brilliant Matt Groening animation... I felt a bit like Pandora when she opened that damn box. All hell and destruction burst loose. But remember small and shining at the bottom of the box was hope. We need that when we take on these insurmountable odds.

And Al Gore.

I’m as shocked as the next person. I didn’t like his political platform that he for president with. I didn’t like his choice of running mates. I didn’t like his views of school vouchers and censorship. I did like his views on the environment but I’m not sure he would have been a good president. Better than the one we have, absolutely. I don’t know about you but sometimes I feel that isn’t enough.

But Al Gore environmental crusader… well I’ve finally seen what he cares about. I’ve finally seen where his passion is. I’ve finally seen him reach people. And friends, I like what I see. I see a man raising alarms, not color levels. I see someone with a plan, who is ringing alarm bells not pushing panic buttons. I see a person who’s trying to make a difference against the odds. And he’s not asking for much. He’s out there trying to make things better.

I’d heard the facts before; I knew about the weather phenomenons, the ice caps melting the carbon dioxide levels rising, I’ve heard more than this movie covers. This is just a surprisingly powerful, funny, telling of it. It’s not perfect, it has flaws. I read a review that this is a 3 star movie about a 5 star PowerPoint presentation. That’s not far off. But it’s worth seeing.

So go see his movie and tell your friends about it. Talk about it. Do something about it.

Happy Birthday Dad

It’s dad’s birthday today. I wrote my annual letter to my dad.

Dear Dad,

Well I tried to give your birthday away this year. I thought you’d like that. I thought you would appreciate the gesture. It keeps it close to us, the day, you, everything. Tried... I didn’t quite succeed but then again, switching Connor’s Birthday to June 6th on 6/6/06 might nor have been the best idea. Maybe next year. I’ll still take him to NYC as a birthday present in June.

Another reason to call it D-Day… Devil’s Day, Dad’s Day.

It was tougher than I thought this year as the anniversary rolled around. It’s been ten years. And I still miss things about you. And I’ve forgotten so much about you. I feel like now I remember the way you look more from photographs instead of memories. Chardy helps. He’s our last link to you. I guess we’re his last link you too. But enough of that. We both know that I love and miss you.

I hope you’re not too mad at us for the Day of the Dad. I know you would rather we were more supportive of mom about this but… I vowed that I would never let your death ruin my birthday again. I know she wants me to be there for her but… I’m not the one to do it. She should find someone else. One of her sisters because I’m not going to do it. I can’t. It’s been ten years, she should find someone else to hold her hand that day. I fought too hard to keep that mine, to keep it happy.

Plus that zombie movie kind of got to me. I wonder what you’d think of it. Forgive me not wanting you to come back that day. It’s just those zombies, they acted like you do in my dreams. It must be a common dream… shared by many who grieve. But it was scary to see it fleshed out in film. Disturbing and fascinating. Like all the best things right?

So what have I been up too? Oh the usual dead end career, art on the side although I’ve started calling myself an artist again. I’m an artist I’m just doing a little freelance reception on the side. Yeah I thought that was pretty funny.

I know, I’ll figure it out. It’s just a struggle. In the mean time I fight with myself about art and what I should be doing right now. I should be working on the book. I should be planning the trip to New York, I should be working on a large watercolor or finishing the pictures for Mom’s Mother’s Day present. I should be making a new picture for Louis’s birthday and Laura’s Birthday. I should be making a plan for me life.

Yet I’m happy. I’ve been pleased with my last projects, gifts for weddings and birthdays. Shadow boxes, with cut paper. The space one really made me pretty happy Zelda Zap Galactic Space Girl. Emily Hogan now owns that one. Sarah’s was a little more personal. Matt’s was a work of art. But I’m a little nervous about that one.

I don’t know why I’m telling you this. It will either amuse or appall you. Matt’s shadowbox, it’s a Hawaiian theme, things they will do on their honeymoon in Hawaii. It’s broken into 4 boxes, one of them hiking, one in a beach bar, one snorkeling (Did you ever snorkel? That’s good fun) and the last is a Luau with two hula girls dancing. So… when I drew the hula girls I was having trouble with their proportions so I drew them naked first, and anatomically correct and all and pasted on the hula skirts and tops and all of that but the glue I used wasn’t so great. So I’m convinced in time it will get brittle and break and all of their clothes with fall off leaving the naked girls! You know I only gave it to them because I didn’t think they’d like it in the first place. But I worked very hard to make it wonderful enough that they might fall in love with it. I could have used better glue but I didn’t… I know it’s wrong but I just think that’s funny.

I was at the Greek Festival this weekend. It was the same as it ever was. It was exactly the same. I smiled and ate and watched the dancing with a mix of nostalgia and resentment. I scanned the crowd for people I knew and hid my eyes when I thought I’d recognize them. I hid in plane sight and soaked in the ambience. I thought I should get a drink to really enjoy this. I thought of you.

Sarah has her masters now, Library Science; Emily’s a doctor like Pam. Jimmy is the same, good natured, yuppie, liberal. He’s still smart and sharp, loves kids and seems genuinely happy to see us. Pam has two boys, they are cute and she’s happy, her husband is sweet. Kathy is the same, exactly the same.

As for Beth, she has plans, is going to Chile, is finishing school, applying to graduate school. She’ll be an English Professor someday or she’ll be something else. You’ll be proud of her though.

Brian’s still searching for someone to complete him. He should try looking inside himself. I love my brother but he’s still just soul sick. I guess we all are. He just has it worse than the rest of us.

We saw Alison. Or rather Beth and Mom did. She’s doing well two kids and all that. She misses us as much as we miss her.

The Shea kids are huge. Connor is a reader, smart, goofy, sweet, wonderful. Erin is athletic, kind, saucy and fresh. Ryan is little miss sassafras. She is all attitude and charm. You’d love them. And Chardy sails on the same sea of confusion as Beth and me. Ships in search of something else. We’ve vowed to take care of each other when any of us make it big. And I don’t doubt it.

And I’m starting to think you are lucky you missed the series. It really isn’t same now that they won. The Yankee rivalry doesn’t even feel the same to me. I wouldn’t trade those seven games for the world… that’s how you should fight against the Yankees. That will be the pinnacle of that rivalry for me. But I now recognize that it was the end of an era and nothing will be the same after that. And that’s good and bad. Long suffering led to poetry in our writing, sorrow let to dark humor, my favorite kind.

I love you.

I never believed it would be ten years since I’ve seen your smile, heard your voice, felt your touch. I know it would come I knew things would be okay. I knew I would be okay but I never believed 10 years would pass so quickly. You are so much a part of me. You’ll always be such a part of me. Thank goodness for that.

I’ll make you proud. I promise.

Love,

Kate

They Came Back

Well dad didn’t come back. And I’m a little relieved.

Zombie films are one of my favorite genres of films because they scare me. Zombies scare me. Zombies and the church. But “They Came Back” a film that was eerie, without gore... that got me. And I was only half kidding when I talked about being on Zombie watch. Part of me expected him to come back and in a way someone did come back.

It was Allison. Brian’s ex-girlfriend, the one he should have married, the one he was going to marry, the one who slipped away. I haven’t seen her in maybe 8 or 9 or years. But I didn’t see her; I didn’t hear about her voice, I didn’t hear about her new life, her kids. Mom and Beth did. And I am a little sad that I didn’t see her. They tell me she was the same. When she and Brian broke up, that was it. I never saw her again. I never spoke to her again. She was just gone. Beth was the one who got in contact with her. And Brian got upset. But he doesn’t get as great as his hurt is, it was his choice, he said goodbye and we never did. She was just gone. And though he loves her more, we love her too. So on the day of Zombie watch, someone did come back... it just wasn’t who we were expecting.

Memories flooded me and I remembered Allison.

Allison who taught me so much, the older sister I always wanted. She taught me the tone of voice to use with when arguing for what you want with a smile. It’s especially useful when arguing with customer service. She was so different than us and so wonderful. I remember the summer of Jane. I remember going to get treats. When I would visit Brian in San Diego he would work and be tired, and Allison would hang out and do things with me. She showed me that you didn’t have to play by the rules. Rules are meant to be stretched, pushed and broken. She taught me that feminism is feminine, that girl power comes in many forms and that as different as people are admiration can be mutual. She brought an element into our lives that we never had. And I hope we did the same. She was special and from what I hear she still is.

Enough love letters to my former sister. It’s bringing me down.

Today is the day of my former youngest cousin’s college graduation. He used to me my youngest cousin. For years he was my youngest cousin. Until about 11 years ago. Since my 30th birthday Beth and I have reconnected with Steve. We went out on Christmas together, we plan on hanging out at our cousin Matt’s wedding. It’s nice. Steve and his brother Chris were like little brothers to me growing up. And of all of my cousins who I’ve lost touch with, they are the ones that I felt the loss strongest. But the reconnection has been great. And Steve is such a nice person, he’s a good egg.

So I’m looking forward to seeing him.

DAY OF THE DAD!

I found my new favorite genre of Zombie Movies. For a while it was fast moving light fearing Zombies ala Rage Monkeys of 28 Days Later. But now its non flesh eating French eerie zombies of doom!

Okay on a whim Beth and I rented “They Came Back”. A 2004 French movie about the undead. And it crept us out big time. We both liked the some what silly English title of the film and the premise that one day for about 2 hours the recent dead (within 10 years) came back to life clean and in good health. The people tried to reintegrate them into society but something was wrong.

The thing was, and this was the big creep factor for me. I’ve had a lot of dreams about my dad since he died (ten years ago this Friday) and he’s always been Dad in my dreams but a little off. I always know he’s dead, and he’s always strangely still, quiet and just off. And by off I mean in the exact way the people in this film are off. The dead, the undead. Beth also plagued by these dreams of my father made the same remark. In our dreams he acts like they did. And it scared us, it felt too true. We loved it.

So put it on your list if you haven’t seen it. It’s a slow pace and in French but worth it.

Now all I can do is sit here thinking about how my dad died ten years ago tomorrow morning. I just have to make it through tomorrow morning and I’ll be safe. I don’t want to here about my dad coming back from the dead tomorrow. I’ve had too many of those dreams. Beth and I dub tomorrow:

DAY OF THE DAD!!!

Or D- Day

D-Day, June 6th, the Allied invasion of Normandy

D-Day, June 6th my dad’s birthday

D-Day, Dad’s Day, Father’s Day, second Sunday in June

D-Day, Death Day, April 28, the day my dad died

Day of the Dead, November 1st. Celebration of those who have died.

Day of the Dad = Any and all of these days.

If I can make it through tomorrow I’ll be safe. If not, well have you met my dad? He’s a zombie but… I still love him, even if he creeps me out a little. Don’t worry he won't eat your flesh… we think.

Fran made me do it.

Fran tagged me for this meme:

4 Jobs in my Life

1. Popcorn Monkey
2. Bead clerk/artist/instructor
3. Field Manager for a global marketing research company.
3. Admin.

4 Films I could see a million times
1. Jaws

2. A Room with a View

3. Joe Versus the Volcano

4. Any Wes Anderson or Whit Stilman film

4 Places I lived at
1. Massachuesetts

2. No where else

3. Still no where else

4. My imagination?

4 TV Series I really like to watch
1. The Simpsons

2. LOST
3. Grey's Anatomy

4. The Office


Those are my current favorites, but past series off the air include



1. Northern Exposure

2. Freaks and Geeks

3. My So Called Life

4. Spaced


4 Places I've spent my Holidays
1. Mexico
2. Nevada
3. California
4. Hawaii


4 Favourite Foods
1. Cheese

2. Apple pie

3. Fried clams

4. Hawaii Burgers from Islands

4 Websites I visit every day
1. http://www.google.com
2. http://www.yahoo.com

3. http://www.bostonworks.com
4. http:www.craigslist.com


4 Places I’d love to be right now (instead of *here*)
1. Anywhere (I'm at work)

2. Hawaii

3. Thailand

4. Rio

People who should do this
1. Whoever would like to