Happy Birthday Dad

It’s dad’s birthday today. I wrote my annual letter to my dad.

Dear Dad,

Well I tried to give your birthday away this year. I thought you’d like that. I thought you would appreciate the gesture. It keeps it close to us, the day, you, everything. Tried... I didn’t quite succeed but then again, switching Connor’s Birthday to June 6th on 6/6/06 might nor have been the best idea. Maybe next year. I’ll still take him to NYC as a birthday present in June.

Another reason to call it D-Day… Devil’s Day, Dad’s Day.

It was tougher than I thought this year as the anniversary rolled around. It’s been ten years. And I still miss things about you. And I’ve forgotten so much about you. I feel like now I remember the way you look more from photographs instead of memories. Chardy helps. He’s our last link to you. I guess we’re his last link you too. But enough of that. We both know that I love and miss you.

I hope you’re not too mad at us for the Day of the Dad. I know you would rather we were more supportive of mom about this but… I vowed that I would never let your death ruin my birthday again. I know she wants me to be there for her but… I’m not the one to do it. She should find someone else. One of her sisters because I’m not going to do it. I can’t. It’s been ten years, she should find someone else to hold her hand that day. I fought too hard to keep that mine, to keep it happy.

Plus that zombie movie kind of got to me. I wonder what you’d think of it. Forgive me not wanting you to come back that day. It’s just those zombies, they acted like you do in my dreams. It must be a common dream… shared by many who grieve. But it was scary to see it fleshed out in film. Disturbing and fascinating. Like all the best things right?

So what have I been up too? Oh the usual dead end career, art on the side although I’ve started calling myself an artist again. I’m an artist I’m just doing a little freelance reception on the side. Yeah I thought that was pretty funny.

I know, I’ll figure it out. It’s just a struggle. In the mean time I fight with myself about art and what I should be doing right now. I should be working on the book. I should be planning the trip to New York, I should be working on a large watercolor or finishing the pictures for Mom’s Mother’s Day present. I should be making a new picture for Louis’s birthday and Laura’s Birthday. I should be making a plan for me life.

Yet I’m happy. I’ve been pleased with my last projects, gifts for weddings and birthdays. Shadow boxes, with cut paper. The space one really made me pretty happy Zelda Zap Galactic Space Girl. Emily Hogan now owns that one. Sarah’s was a little more personal. Matt’s was a work of art. But I’m a little nervous about that one.

I don’t know why I’m telling you this. It will either amuse or appall you. Matt’s shadowbox, it’s a Hawaiian theme, things they will do on their honeymoon in Hawaii. It’s broken into 4 boxes, one of them hiking, one in a beach bar, one snorkeling (Did you ever snorkel? That’s good fun) and the last is a Luau with two hula girls dancing. So… when I drew the hula girls I was having trouble with their proportions so I drew them naked first, and anatomically correct and all and pasted on the hula skirts and tops and all of that but the glue I used wasn’t so great. So I’m convinced in time it will get brittle and break and all of their clothes with fall off leaving the naked girls! You know I only gave it to them because I didn’t think they’d like it in the first place. But I worked very hard to make it wonderful enough that they might fall in love with it. I could have used better glue but I didn’t… I know it’s wrong but I just think that’s funny.

I was at the Greek Festival this weekend. It was the same as it ever was. It was exactly the same. I smiled and ate and watched the dancing with a mix of nostalgia and resentment. I scanned the crowd for people I knew and hid my eyes when I thought I’d recognize them. I hid in plane sight and soaked in the ambience. I thought I should get a drink to really enjoy this. I thought of you.

Sarah has her masters now, Library Science; Emily’s a doctor like Pam. Jimmy is the same, good natured, yuppie, liberal. He’s still smart and sharp, loves kids and seems genuinely happy to see us. Pam has two boys, they are cute and she’s happy, her husband is sweet. Kathy is the same, exactly the same.

As for Beth, she has plans, is going to Chile, is finishing school, applying to graduate school. She’ll be an English Professor someday or she’ll be something else. You’ll be proud of her though.

Brian’s still searching for someone to complete him. He should try looking inside himself. I love my brother but he’s still just soul sick. I guess we all are. He just has it worse than the rest of us.

We saw Alison. Or rather Beth and Mom did. She’s doing well two kids and all that. She misses us as much as we miss her.

The Shea kids are huge. Connor is a reader, smart, goofy, sweet, wonderful. Erin is athletic, kind, saucy and fresh. Ryan is little miss sassafras. She is all attitude and charm. You’d love them. And Chardy sails on the same sea of confusion as Beth and me. Ships in search of something else. We’ve vowed to take care of each other when any of us make it big. And I don’t doubt it.

And I’m starting to think you are lucky you missed the series. It really isn’t same now that they won. The Yankee rivalry doesn’t even feel the same to me. I wouldn’t trade those seven games for the world… that’s how you should fight against the Yankees. That will be the pinnacle of that rivalry for me. But I now recognize that it was the end of an era and nothing will be the same after that. And that’s good and bad. Long suffering led to poetry in our writing, sorrow let to dark humor, my favorite kind.

I love you.

I never believed it would be ten years since I’ve seen your smile, heard your voice, felt your touch. I know it would come I knew things would be okay. I knew I would be okay but I never believed 10 years would pass so quickly. You are so much a part of me. You’ll always be such a part of me. Thank goodness for that.

I’ll make you proud. I promise.

Love,

Kate