Happy Birthday dear ol dad!

Dear ol’ Dad Happy Birthday!  

Another year and this one has been a doozy.  I don’t know about you Shea boys you seem to have something against the month of April and think about your daughter’s birthdays.  I know that life isn’t fair, it keeps getting proven over and over at great cost to all of us.  Having Chardie taken away was just cruel.  He was my favorite uncle, he was my friend, and he believed in me in way that most people don’t.  This was another devastating loss.  And I know I will be shockingly fine, shocking soon and I will get to the new normal faster than I can imagine, I can’t help but wallow in the loss right now.

Chardie was a rock for us when you died.  For all of us.  But we used to always say that he was our last and best link to you.  I have not exaggerated when I’ve said we have been devastated.  The loss is palpable. 

I had just been talking about him about the afterlife too.  And my conflicting views on Christianity, death, and the afterlife.  Which I suppose in some way I must believe in because I keep writing these letters to you.  But really is that why I right them?  Is it really for you or is it just an exercise in summing up a year for myself?  Does it matter which I believe, and which I hope.  You know that changes sometimes.  I had been talking to Brian about it.  He believes.  He believes in heaven and hell and all of the trimmings.  I don’t know what I believe.  I would say I’m in the firm camp that I swear there ain’t no heaven and I pray there ain’t no hell.  But I guess in the end I might be hoping for the sweet oblivion.  Still up in the air on that one.    But at the time… Brian had me so scared I almost couldn’t sleep at night. 

Beth and I started a new project, blogging the bible.  I can practically hear you rolling your eyes.    I really can.  I’m hoping this little exercise will help me scrape some of the catholic off of me.    I doubt that you’d appreciate that one.  But you might like the way we are going about it.  Actually reading the bible, the new testament, has been eye opening.  It calls to a larger debate on the holy scripture, the church and the nicey nice ideas about JC, I mean Jesus.  We are almost through the gospels, and he really runs the gambit on being a real sweetheart and genuine jack ass.  I’m sure you would have enjoyed a likely debate about it.

And skiing… I finally made it down a black diamond trail!  Of course not without terrible… terrible… consequences.  But the point is I made it down.  In one piece.  Well, physically anyway.  You can read all about my adventure in my story, The Monster on the Mountain.   FYI I am the monster on the  mountain. 

Beth is pregnant which is very exciting of course.  We are all thrilled.  But no one is more thrilled than Brian who has pledged to be the best uncle ever and would love to mover to Portland to take that title.  I’m excited too but… this just changes everything.  And I guess part of me suddenly recognizes what I’ll never be ready for, and what I’ll never have.  It’s okay in some ways it’s good.  Best to get these feelings over with now.  I am really happy for Beth and John.  They will be great parents.   I’m sorry that you’ll miss out on that.  

I’ve been cooking.  Oh you’d hate this, I’ve been experimenting with asian cookery.  From Saag Paneer with home made cheese, that I made myself, to scallion pancakes which I love and experiment constantly with the filling, to pan steamed dumplings, and glutinous rice balls and coconut sticky rice.  Drunken noodles too.   I know you hated Chinese food, but dad, the things I’ve been making have been delicious.  And crepes, you might enjoy my foray into the world of crepes and popovers.   Its good spicy food.

 I often wonder if you’d like any of the food Beth and I love so much.  The Indian food… or Ethiopian.  I don’t know that you would like the raw beef, diced and gently warmed in spicy butter.  I’m a vampire and I absolutely love it. 

We had a tornado in Massachusetts.  Not like the one when you were a kid.  This one was awful though tearing down hundreds of buildings in the Springfield area and killing three people.  It was a strange time.  I was with a group of people who… I don’t know how to say it. We’ll just say we have different views of warnings.

I’m at the Shea’e right now.  I’m so comfortable here.  I love it.  But I still feel like I am waiting for Chardie.  It’s sweet though, Dan texts me now and again. It makes me feel better.  I suppose when someone dies, you take comfort in the people they were closest too.   Love is a community. 

I managed to get some closure on your funeral at Chardie’s funeral.  I gave a eulogy, I helped right his obituary, I scanned pictures for people.  I always regretted not speaking at your funeral.  I hated your obituary.  At a time that everything had felt person, none of that had felt personal .  This time it did.  Here’s what I read.

Hullo Favorite Uncle!  Hello Dear Uncle!  Hello Fine Uncle!

We used to greet each other by title, not name.  He did that, I would call him Uncle, he would call me niecy… Hullo Niecy! Or if he needed a favor “My Favorite Niece”.  Chardie was everybody’s favorite uncle with the best laugh.  It might not have been the classical “Lilt of Irish laughter” but it was one of the greatest laughs this world has ever known.  He laughed loudly and often, and I hope someday the same will be said for all of us.

Years ago, I gave him a father’s day card.  I had been missing my own dad, and he was the closest thing I had to a father.   So I carefully picked out a card to express exactly how I was feeling.  Hallmark makes some truly wonderful cards.  I think this one had a cat on it but it was the message that really touched my heart.  It expressed everything I wanted to say to my most favorite uncle “You’re so much like a father to me, I even roll my eyes when you talk”  Chardie just laughed and gave me a big bear hug, and said it was perfect.  He might have called me a creepo.  He had a really loving way of delivering a goofy insult.

There are so many things I want to say about my uncle, so many stories to tell, so many memories I have.  Silly things really, singing karaoke with him, or when I broke my little toe and he me drove into Boston.  He handed me a little money, because I was a little short on funds…  I asked him if it was to buy a new toe?  He shook his head and smiled, “It’s for drinks, silly, to ease the pain” He was generous and brilliant man that way!

I tried to figure out some story or gesture that would capture the essence of Chard.  His daughter Ryan, was quick to help, and Erin agreed that this was something that needed to be included.  And some of you might remember him doing this.

Psst sizzle!  Hot stuff!  A specific but familiar gesture followed.

And you know he really was hot stuff.

I'm sure you would have gone a little more sincere, or eloquent in the situation.  But I wanted people to know that I was talking about Chard.  Beth's was more touching, with better deliver.  I was a little autopiloted on mine.  I thought I might break with the opening line, if I could get through that I could get through the rest of it.

And as for your remaining brother, he who must not be named.  There is a lot of argument about how you would have felt about things.  I ended up drawing a hard line and saying I am done.  He no longer had his brother’s to protect him.  I’m sorry he went down that bad path, and I’m sure he misses you and Chard very much.

Mom’s garden’s is getting crazy.  You’d be proud of her.  So many flowers, it looks like paradise. Right now there are enormous peonies, and oriental poppies in bloom.  I’ve been helping, but mom is the real artist in that endeavor I just provide a little labor.

Brian ran a marathon yesterday he looks fantastic, we are so proud of him.  And Beth moved still in Portland but renting a house.  I just made popovers which turned out terribly and wrote my chapter of the bible project.  This will be my fourth year of yoga this month.  I love it.  I’m still not very good at it, but I’ve learned that’s not what it’s about.  I used to wait for the day I could do an asana, or do it better, but I don’t do that as much.   I’m trying  more in lie generally but in skiing in particular to practice of reach a state of “effortless effort” prayatna shaithilya. 

Oh I completed another online advent calendar for Christmas.  If I were smart, I’d start next year’s right now.  But I’m not that bright.  Or disciplined.

Anyway, that’s the update, I’ll probably start writing a letter to Chardie every year too.  Try not to be jealous.  I love you.  I miss you.   And if there is an afterlife… which at Chardie’s funeral, I very clearly heard Chardie say something to be, in my head, I can’t vouch that this was him talking… it could have just be my brain trying to comfort me but I heard this You know, you where wrong about everything Katie.  It was wonderful.”  So if there is an afterlife, I kind of hope it went down like the final scene in Shawshank Redemption.  Somewhere on the beach you’d look up and Chardie would be walking towards you.  With a big smile of recognition, you would call out “brother”.  I think I might watch too many movies.

I love you dad.  I miss you.  Happy birthday!